Episode 22- Goodbye and Hello

Captain's Log- 7:45PM- Tuesday

As I write this, it is just before 8PM and I have settled into the sofa with Esteban as he binge watches his latest obsession on Netflix, The Flash.  We have just put the girls down for the night where they will doze and snooze peacefully until 7:00 AM tomorrow morning.   Well, truth be told, they wake up at around 6:30AM but we don't  go in there to get them until 7.  That's right.  They sit there and make goo goo talk to each other and wait patiently every morning.   It is a beautiful thing indeed.  I'm back to running on all cylinders again.  I am fully-functional and have returned to being a contributing member of society.  I smile, I say good morning... I'm not sleepy!  It's amazing!  However, my new-found appreciation for the importance of a good night's sleep has me sounding like an old man when I'm at work.

"I slept great last night!"

"How'd you sleep?"

"Make sure you get those 8 hours tonight."

It's ridiculous.  I sound like my father every time it would rain when I was a kid.

"Look son.  The stratocumulus cloud formation indicates a 60% chance of precipitation."

"Really dad?  I'm six.  What the hell are you talking about?"

But as much as I have been anticipating this stage of their development, it has brought with it a few surprises.  I was so busy dreaming about how my life would change once they were sleeping better that I failed to think about the changes that it would bring out in them.  They are happier and full of energy in the mornings.  What used to be a struggle every morning in order to get them to eat their cereal has become a ravenous, Jurassic Park style feeding frenzy that leaves them satisfied and with oatmeal facials.  They are eating soft foods more often.  With less bottles of milk throughout the night, they seem to be ready for bigger food challenges during the day.  They are on the verge of walking.  Cat, as usual, was first to take a couple of steps before plopping back down on her butt in a fit of giggles.  Renata soon followed and now they both spend more time standing up than anything else.  They will crawl to a location and then make their way to their feet and take a look around for a while.  It's an amazing process to watch.  They are so pleased with themselves whenever they are upright.  It's like me when I change a light bulb and it actually works.  I feel so proud and walk around all day feeling all chesty.

So they will continue to grow and develop into beautiful toddlers... then children... then, I assume, will turn on me during their pre-teen years and learn a whole new variety of ways to torture me from that moment on.  But this stage is over.  This grueling, gut check level of development is over and I couldn't be prouder or happier that it is over and that everybody survived intact.  I've heard horror stories of babies not sleeping through the night until they are 18 months or older.  I must confess... I was close to reaching the end of my rope.  I'm not sure that I would have made it another 2 weeks.  Don't ever let anyone tell you that sleep deprivation is not a form of torture.. it is.  Had I been interrogated by the CIA last month I would have admitted to killing Elvis if they would have promised me 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep afterwards.  But let's not go there.  Everyobody survived and everybody came out on the other side better human beings for having gone through it.

So while this journey has not ended... I feel that this blog has reached is natural end.  There are no more 3AM feedings to be had... no more sleep-depraved rants to be heard... no more pleas for mercy to be made. I'm sure that there will be many more obstacles to come... but the main focus of this story has run it's course.  I thank you for joining Treicy and I during the first 12 months of the girls' life.  It was very cathartic and therapeutic for me to have a place where I could rant and rave about my shortcomings and vent my fears and doubts about the future.  It helped me immensely to know that I was not alone every time I opened my lap top in the middle of the night when I was exhausted and losing my grip on my sanity.  You were there for me, and for that I am eternally grateful.  I think I got this now.  I feel confident that the future is bright and that I am prepared for any and all challenges that are to come.  And in the case that I discover that I am not... you will be the first to know.

I want to close on this.  Whenever people discover that Treicy and I adopted our 3 kids, they usually end up telling us how impressed they are with us and what noble people we are.  Let me be very clear about this one thing.  This has nothing to do with being noble.  Treicy and I were being very selfish when we decided to adopt children.  We wanted kids and this was our only option.  We weren't thinking about doing something magnanimous or trying to change a child's life for the better.  We were simply gong after something that WE wanted very much... children.  We were thinking only of ourselves and focused primarily on filling a need that WE had.  The fact that the adoption process is a win-win situation for everybody involved was a lucky accident for us.  Yes, adoption provides a loving home for children in need... yes, adoption provides peace of mind for overwhelmed birth moms who feel like they are alone in the world... yes, adoption creates loving families for couples who are unable to do it on their own.  But that wasn't the reason that we did it.  We did it thinking only of ourselves and do not deserve any more credit than that.  I always say the same thing whenever someone tells me how great we are for adopting and how we saved the lives of these 3 children.  I tell them the truth.  Treicy and I did not save these children's lives... they saved ours.  And we will spend the rest of our lives thanking them for it. 

Episode 21- Mission Accomplished

Captain's Log- 7:30 AM- Wednesday

It's over.  The long national nightmare is finally over!  At 11 months, 3 weeks and 2 days of age the girls have finally begun sleeping through the night.  They did it together as a team, on the same night and at the same time.  It was perfection.  They are now on their 4th night in a row where they sleep from 7:30 PM till 6:30 AM.  Let me repeat that so it sinks in real good.  That is 11 hours of uninterrupted, quiet bliss... for Daddy.

It all began, as most things do, with a crucial and tactical decision made by the wife.  It was Sunday night, around 11PM and I had just gotten home from work.  I don't usually work weekends but I was involved in a special work project that required me to log some pretty long hours on Saturday and Sunday.   What that meant was that Treicy was alone with 3 kids, two of them being rambunctious, mobile infants, for the entire weekend.  She, naturally, dominated the situation like a pro and ended up having amazing social media pics of her and the kids at different playgrounds, video game arcades, pizza parlors and parks.  Really?  Had that been me alone with 3 kids for 2 days I'd be barricaded inside the living room in my underwear with a S.W.A.T. team outside, surrounding the house.  The hostage negotiator would be yelling at me through his bullhorn:

"Put the popsicles down!  That is not  an appropriate lunch for children!"

But I digress... 

So I come home from work late and just when I'm getting out of the shower I see Catalina on the monitor standing up in her crib demanding attention.  

"I got it" I tell Treicy.  "You've been with them all weekend.  Lemme just get dressed real quick."

"Thank you" came the sleepy reply from under the 37 blankets and 19 pillows in our bed.

So I go into the closet and put on my favorite long shorts from my beloved UT Longhorns basketball team and a white tee shirt.  When I came out to the bedroom Treicy is sitting at the edge of the bed watching the monitor.

"She's down" she said.  "She lay herself back down and went back to sleep while you were getting dressed."

"You're kidding" I said.

"See for yourself."

She was right.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  Cat was back in her usual snoozing position.  Face down... tiny booty up.  Seconds later, Renata woke up.  She wasn't her usual loud self, however.  She just kind of sat up and was looking around in a daze.  She was making baby noises, but nothing close to her usual late night tantrums.  I, instinctively, started towards the kitchen to get a bottle when Treicy stopped me.

"Let's see what happens" she said.

"Really?  You're gonna let her cry it out?"  I replied.  "She's just warming up.  She's about to unleash the dragon.  She's about to open the gates of hell!"

"Okay... you've been binge-watching Game of Thrones, again."

"I'm serious."  I said.  "She's about to throw a tantrum and wake up the other one.  Then we'll both have to get up."

I don't think so" she said.  "Let's give her a minute."

I didn't agree, but I went along.  Renata stayed awake for 20 minutes just playing with her pacifier and making baby talk noises.  My heart was breaking.  She was patiently waiting for one of us to go in there and pick her up.  When we didn't, she simply rolled over onto her belly and went back to sleep.  We sat there watching the monitor for the next hour and a half, waiting for the next baby to wake up... it never happened.  Not then... not for the rest of the night.  We woke up the next morning feeling like it had all been a dream.  We entered their room and I was expecting to find a disaster area with decapitated teddy bears, baby blankets torn to shreds and the words HELTER SKELTER scrawled on the walls by tiny fingers with red raspberry jam (their favorite).  But it was the complete opposite.  The room was impeccable and they were both awake.  Just sitting there in their cribs looking around and talking to each other in their own secret baby gibberish language.  When they saw us, they flashed huge smiles and got all goo-goo ga-ga on us

"WHO'S CHILDREN ARE THESE!!!!" I yelled. 

The answer is short and simple.  They are the new and improved versions of their former selves.  Ever evolving and ever changing.  We just achieved a major milestone.  I know that the future holds many more formidable challenges... many more serious situations that will make this one seem so trivial when we think back on it.   But this is all we have for now.  And this is huge.  I can literally feel my sanity returning to me the more REM sleep that I get.  I am confident that I will soon be back to functioning like a normal human being again.  Maybe I am being a bit dramatic... but I think I've earned the right.  So I am about to say something that I've been waiting 11 months to say.  Ready?  Here it is:  I am the proud father of a pair of amazing, gorgeous babies that sleep through the night.   

Damn, that felt good.

Captain's Log- Friday- 9:14 PM

Even-though the girls are now sleeping through the night, the struggle is not over.  There is still a crucial time of the day that needs 2 able-bodied adults present and ready for battle and that is the 7:30 PM feeding.   This is the final feeding of the day.  This is the feeding where they get changed into their pajamas and get their skin moisturizer put on and their hair cream all the bells and whistles that go into putting pretty little girls to sleep.  So this is a tough task to pull off on your own... at least it is for me.  It takes a long time to apply lotions and creams and ointments to squirming babies so the other one will usually get fussy while waiting for her turn.  Then, once you have them in their PJs and ready for dinner they will both want to be first to feed because they are sleepy and cranky and starving.  It's a tough act to pull off by yourself, believe me.  But that is exactly what I had to do last week.  Treicy and Esteban took a quick day trip to Puerto Rico in order to take care of some family business.  They, literally, flew in and out on the same day so it wasn't a big deal but it did put me in the dreaded 7:30 PM feeding zone without a co-pilot.  It was a struggle, but I finally managed to get them fed and dressed for bed in their favorite pajamas.  They were both very cranky and there was no way that I was going to be able to put them to sleep at the same time so I went with an old trick that is a bit of a cliche but it definitely works.  I  put them both in the car and took them for a little ride around the neighborhood.  It worked.   The motion of the car... the classical music... they were both asleep within 10 minutes.  The problem was once I got them back to the house they would wake up the moment I tried to get them out of their car seats and start crying.  So I went for another spin around the neighborhood... and then another... and then another.  By the time we finished our 4th trip around our lovely neighborhood, it was already close to 9PM.  I decided to just sit there in the driveway for a moment and try to gather my wits and figure out an idea for getting them out of the car without waking them... and that's where Treicy found me sleeping when she arrived home from the airport with Esteban an hour and a half later.

"Are you insane?"

I snapped instantly awake.  There she was standing outside my driver's side window with Esteban sleepily standing by her side just looking at me.

"Huh?... What?... Oh crap.  What time is it?"

"10:30.  Are you insane?" she asked again.

"Of course not.  There's a  simple explanation.  It's hilarious actually."

She just continued to stare at me as if trying to solve some complex puzzle.  I knew at that moment that she would not find my story hilarious.

"I was driving them around and then they started waking up..."

"It doesn't matter."  She said.  " As long as everyone is still alive... it doesn't matter.  Now do you want to come out of there now, or should Esteban and I climb in?"

"We'll come out."  I said.

"Thank you very much."  She said.

She never asked what happened.  She wasn't mad the next day.  She just let it go as another unexplained Daddy mystery that would forever go unsolved.  I guess at the end of the day, she's right.  As long as I kept them alive and breathing... you chalk it up as a win and move on.

Episode 20- Full of Surprises

Captain's Log- 3:19AM- Tuesday
I've begun training myself to sleep standing up.  I've pulled it off successfully at least 3 times in the last week.  Now, I realize that sleeping while standing is a trick usually reserved for horses and cows, but since I am from the great state of Texas I feel that I am especially qualified for this type of endeavor.  It's not for everybody, however.  You need great balance... decent leg strength... and to be racked with fatigue and exhaustion to the point of insanity.  The first time I did it was while I was waiting for Treicy to finish changing Renata's diaper in the middle of the night.  I leaned up against the wall and was holding her pacifier in place while Treicy cleaned her up.   I'm not sure how or when it happened but I eventually slipped away into a blissful 18-second nap.
"Oh my God... Are you snoring?!" Came the cry from my stunned wife.
Of course I tried to convince her that I wasn't... however my cover was blown the moment I snapped awake and fell backwards into the closet.  The second time it happened was in the kitchen.  I was standing there waiting for the tap water to get warm so that I could rinse out the baby bottles.  I, once again, slipped into a heavenly snooze that lasted about 11 seconds before the sound of the running water made me almost wet myself in my sleep.  I immediately came to and then barely made it to the bathroom before disaster struck.  Thank goodness because that would have been a horrifically embarrassing conversation to have with the wife.  The third incident occurred during a midnight feeding.  I was giving Catalina her bottle while pacing back and forth in the hallway.  She was very fussy and I didn't want her to wake up her sister so I took her outside the nursery into the hall.  As soon as she started to settle down, I leaned up against the wall for a second just to give my old man, aching back a break.... and I slipped away to rich nirvana.  Luckily, 5 seconds later Catalina laid one of her patented sleeping baby ninja twitch-kicks to my groin and that woke me right up.  Good Morning!
I'm not sure what advantages this new superpower will yield me.  I also wonder if I can pull it off in other boring situations like when I'm waiting in line at the bank or when I'm waiting for the valet to  bring my car around.  Either way, one thing is for sure.  Sleeping has become a serious commodity in this household.  It is worth its weight in gold and just as rare to find.  The last 10 months have taught me a hard lesson.  I will never take a good night's sleep for granted again.  Once I am back on a normal sleeping schedule and someone asks me casually:  "How'd you sleep?"
I will grab that person by the shoulders... look them straight in the eye... and say: "It was a glorious slumber!  Thank you so very much for asking!"  And then, whether this person is a male or a female, I will kiss them full on the mouth.  Think I'm kidding?  Just ask my wife about the time I had too many cocktails at a company christmas party and ran into my baseball hero, Sammy Sosa in the bathroom.
Wait...
You know what?
On second thought... don't.

Captain's Log- 3:59 AM- Thursday
Let's be clear about one thing... for the last 10 months I've been wrong about some things... ok, I've been wrong about most things.  I still can't tell them apart 100% of the time... I still dry-heave for 20 minutes whenever a poop storm hits... I still struggle when left alone with 2 babies for any amount of time.  As a matter of fact, I've only been sure of one thing, and one thing only during this entire experience.  Their  personalities.  I could always tell them apart through their personalities.  It was very simple... Renata was the grump and Catalina was the angel.  They were fire and ice... Miss Attitude and Miss Nice... The bossy one and the wallflower.  It was easy!  But then a very curious thing started to happen with the girls and their personalities.  For one, Renata has become a whole new character that we call: Miss Kissy Kissy Giggle Face.  All of a sudden... out of the clear blue... this little girl learned to kiss.  She kisses her sister... her brother... her mother... her father... the nanny... the cat... the rocking chair and even the vacuum cleaner.  She's on fire.  Every time you pick her up... bam!  You get a smooch.  If you're playing with her on the floor and she gets close enough... bam!  You get a smooch.  She's also become quite the giggle queen.  Everything makes her laugh hysterically.  The cat... a bouncing ball... The spin-cycle of the dryer... her brother's sock puppet shows... and her father's special dance performances (my catalogue is very thin... it's pretty much limited to moves from the 1984 classic movie:  Breakin' 2 Electric Boogaloo).
Catalina has not stayed dormant during this transformation.  It seems that Little Miss Sunshine isn't all peaches and cream.  She has a little attitude of her own.  We buy toys in pairs in this house.  2 dolls... 2 teething rings... 2 teddy bears.... 2 of everything.  One for each of them so that there is no drama... Doesn't matter.  Catalina wants them both.  She will crawl over to where Renata is and will snatch whatever she's holding out of her hands and crawl off with it at break-neck speed.  Renata cries... Catalina smiles... It's all quite sinister.
I don't think that this is a case of the girls switching personalities like that famous myth about twins states.  I think this is more a case of each girl's personality finally coming through 100%.  It turns out that Renata has a very sweet and cuddly side... and Catalina isn't quite the pushover that we all thought she was.   While this new chain of events is amazing for their development... it puts a real shiver down my spine when I think about the future.  Because for the last 10 months, those two little bundles of joy have managed to put an ass kicking on me, the likes of which I've never seen before.  And now I come to find out that they've only been operating at 50% capacity... and NOW they're going to start showing their full personalities and powers?
Sigh... If I've said it once, I've said it a million times.  Daddy needs a nap.

Episode 19- Rock Stars

Captain's Log- 3:58 AM- Monday

I hurt myself sleeping again.  This time it's the elbow.  It happened last week when Catalina had a bad head cold and would not go down unless she was, literally, on top of one of us.  Treicy was quickly and unanimously voted in as the human sacrifice/mattress and I, in a futile attempt to stay awake and offer support, decided to prop my elbow up on top of a pillow and rest my head on my hand.  Naturally, I fell asleep within 30 seconds and woke up 90 minutes later with a stiff neck, shoulder and elbow.  The other 2 pains went away... the elbow pain has remained.  This is the stupidest injury ever.  I mean, I've heard of tennis elbow... but pillow elbow?  Ridiculous.  

The girls are advancing more and more everyday.  Renata has finally kicked it out of "reverse" and has begun crawling forward.  Her inspiration?  Not Mommy or Daddy or even Big Brother... nope.  It was Lola the house cat.   She is obsessed with her.  No matter what she is doing or what os going on, as soon as Lola enters the room Renata breaks out a huge smile and tracks her every move.  The cat, naturally, could not care less about her or her sister... or her brother or anyone else for that matter.  Lola is just looking for a warm, sunny spot on the tile floor to nap on.  Lola is on a schedule... Lola can't be bothered. 

"What?  The cute little brown baby likes me?  Great... give me a catnip treat and leave me alone, please."  

Another interesting development has been Catalina's complete comprehension of facial features.  When you say "Nose", she points to your nose.  When you say "Mouth", she points to your mouth.  She covers the entire spectrum; eyes, hair, cheeks, tongue and teeth.  Is that normal for a 10-month old, or is she some kind of a anatomical savant?  Is that even a thing?  Catalina is also standing up on her own a lot.  She grabs onto whatever is nearby and pulls herself up and then shuffles her feet sideways and moves laterally.  She's amazing and continues to lead the pack in all things developmental.  However, I will not declare her a genius until she manages to pull off one more feat... the most important feat of all.

SLEEP... THROUGH... THE... NIGHT.

Then, and only then, will these girls achieve the legendary status that they deserve.  They're not quite there yet, but rest assured that as soon as they do... you'll be the first to know.

Captain's Log- 3:11 AM- Wednesday

An interesting thing has developed in the last 10 months since we received the girls.  And it is something that we anticipated and actually looked forward to.  But now that it is here... I must admit it feels a bit stranger than I thought it would.  Treicy and I and Esteban as well, to a certain extent, has ceased to exist.  I mean this literally.  We no longer occupy space in the new universe that is... RenCat.  They are rock stars... they are all-powerful.  They are omnipotent, omnipresent and a force to be reckoned with.  They are glorious.  They never disappoint.  Time and time again they have been placed in enormous social situations where they are surrounded by family and they are cute and bubbly and smiling and perfect babies every single time.  Not one tantrum... not a single cranky day.  All rainbows and gumdrops, all the time.  The entire family is completely mesmerized by them.  They can't get enough.  Even the most hardened macho alpha male type is reduced to a pile of giggles and baby voices.  I saw a video where my father-in-law in Puerto Rico is dancing to the song: "Itsy Bitsy Spider" for them just so they'll smile.  He even used Jazz Hands!  Are you kidding me?  This is a man who leaves bruises on me every time he hugs me.  This is a man who climbed telephone poles for a living.  This is a man who carries a machete.  Treicy couldn't believe it.  She said it's been a long time since she's seen her father act silly like this.  Not since they were little kids.  

When I stop and think about it, maybe that's Renata and Catlina's mission in life.  To remind everyone of their better selves.  To remind everyone that they are still allowed to make goofy faces and act silly, if even for a little while.  But the point still remains that while the girls are causing all of this lovey-dovey good will and joy amongst the masses... Treicy and I now go completely under the radar.  Nobody notices what we are wearing... nobody is aware if one of us is not there... No one realizes it when we sneak away for a quick cat nap in the middle of the party.  It's amazing.  Now we realize that this state of grace will end as soon as the girls go from adorable little babies to moody pre-teens so we are taking full advantage of the situation and enjoying the invisibility.  Because we both know that when they become teenagers... we're going to wish we could be invisible.

Episode 18- Pumping The Brakes

Captain's Log- 3:01 AM- Friday

I've begun hallucinating at night.  Treicy says that it's the fatigue/lack of REM sleep that is causing me to have nightmares but I do not agree.  I know what a bad dream feels like, I've had them all of my life whenever I'm stressed out.  Some people can't sleep when they're stressed... I get really sleepy and then proceed to have ridiculous nightmares.  Once, when I was in the middle of my 7th grade SAT tests in school I dreamt that I was married to my 67 year old Earth Science teacher... (wait for it)... Mr. Spilaine.  It was an impossible love.  I had acne... he had a cane.  For the rest of the school year I couldn't look that man in the face.  Also, on the eve of a surgical procedure that I had about 10 years ago, I dreamt that after the surgery the doctor informed me that I was completely empty inside.  No organs, no bones... nothing.  I was completely distressed until the doctor informed me that this was a fairly common condition and that most people with my symptoms used the inside of their bodies as convenient extra storage.
But I digress...
My point is that what I am experiencing is not nightmares or night terrors or any of that other stuff.  They're full blown, 100% guaranteed, bona-fide hallucinations.  I hear the babies crying at night when they actually are not.  I hear the crying coming from different rooms in the house and I run around in a panic, half-asleep like I'm in the Blair Witch Project until I realize that everyone in the house is asleep... except for me.  I've jumped out of bed in the middle of the night because I am convinced that the babies have pooped on my pillow only to realize that they have not and that they are safely in their cribs and in their own rooms.  I've also gotten up in haze and rushed to the kitchen to prepare bottles only to realize that there are already 2 bottles on deck ready to go and that the entire house is, once again, sleeping... except for me.  I'm a mess.  I hear crying babies constantly.  I hear them at work, in the car and my personal favorite... every single time I get into the shower.  But none of it is real.  It's all inside my head. The good news is that this will all end when they get a little older.  The obsessive worrying, the constant feeling of dread whenever I'm not around to protect them.  All of those feelings will stop once they are no longer defenseless babies, right?
I will take the obligatory pause now in order to allow all parents of teenage girls to laugh and mock me at will.

Captain's Log- 3:11 AM- Tuesday
The girls are officially mobile... but in opposite directions.  Catalina has, once again, set the bar and begun crawling.  She doesn't do it on command or even everyday... but she does it.  On her terms and on her schedule.  I've seen it.  Renata, on the other hand, has decided to invent her own methodology.  She crawls backwards.  It's adorable and amazing... but not very effective when trying to get from point A to point B.  She backs into chairs, walls and even the cat all day long with a big goofy smile on her face.  We keep trying to teach her that she's doing it wrong... that she should be moving forward; but she doesn't care.  She loves to bump her little butt up against everything in the house.  So we figured... what the hell.  as long as she's happy, right?   Meanwhile, we  had to lower both of the crib mattresses to their lowest levels because both of them have begun sitting up on their own whenever they wake up in the middle of the night and are trying to stand up in their cribs.  Really?  The other night I walked into their room at 2AM and Catalina was sitting up in her crib and was attempting to eat her baby-cam.  I need to find a way to pump the brakes a little bit.  Things are moving really fast now and I'm not psychologically prepared for this next stage of independence from them.  As much as I complained about it, there is a certain feeling of control when the child you are caring for is completely dependent of you for absolutely everything.  That is no longer the case here.

List of Things The Girls Can Do Now
1) Feed themselves- While they cannot prepare the bottles for themselves yet... they are able to hold the bottles on their own when they feed.
2) Insert Pacifiers- Before, they used to cry whenever they would wake up without their pacifiers... now they just calmly search around till they find where they spit it out and put it back in their mouths.
3) Turn over- They both sleep face-down in their cribs at night and are both found facing up every morning making strange alien-baby noises.
4) Crawl- Frontwards... backwards... it doesn't matter.  The point is that they are mobile and I'm in trouble.
5) Talk- Sort of.  They say "Mama" and "Papa" and "Tete" which means pacifier or milk... maybe.

As impressive as this list is, it is merely a dreaded omen of things to come.  Their newfound independence is intoxicating to them and they are embracing it with fervor and zeal.  They are off to the races and going 100 MPH now and I feel like I'm in the passenger seat trying desperately to find my seatbelt and the hand brake.  I'm not trying to stop their progress... just slow it down a little bit so that I can catch my breath.  I'm sure once I explain the situation to them they will gladly slow things down a bit for me, right?  Right?!  Yep... I'm in trouble.

Episode 17- Controlled Chaos

Captain's Log- 3:22AM- Monday
These two are on the verge of greatness.! Well... okay.  On the verge of crawling,  But I think that is amazing and great! And probably not for the reasons that you might think.  I mean, sure I'm proud of how they are developing, and how they are slowly-but-surely overcoming their premature beginnings.  But the fact that they will be crawling soon means only one thing to me.  It means that they will be expending a lot more energy throughout the day and that will, in turn, result in longer sleeping periods at night.  You think I'm kidding?  I'm dead serious.  I've been studying them closely for 9 months now and it is a proven fact that they are changing.  They are no longer the docile, immobile infants that sleep and poop most of the day.  They are now active and alert and curious and in constant movement... and poop most of the day  They love to get in their bounce chairs and hop up and down... they love to sit on the floor and play... and they love to stand up (with a little help from us) as often and as long as possible.  They still wake up for their midnight and 3AM feedings, but they don"t mess around anymore afterwards... It's right back to La La Land after the bottle.  And once in a blue moon we'll get lucky and one of them will skip the 3AM and sleep right through till morning.  But that's never happened with the both of them at the same time... not yet.  But that's the goal... The White Whale.  The pot of gold at the end of this exhausting, poop- stained rainbow.
Now I realize that having 2 mobile babies crawling all over the house is no picnic... but it'll be worth it if it makes them sleep through the night.  I don't mind a little controlled chaos as long as I get something on the back end of it.  This has to be it.  This has to be the final piece of the puzzle that propels them into a  solid 8 hours of sleep every night.  I can feel how close we are.  Their sleep is getting deeper and longer.  They no longer feed at the same times overnight because they are now waking up at different times.  Sometimes Cat will skip the midnight feeding and then the next night Renata will skip the 3AM and sleep straight through till 5:30 or 6AM.  It varies and we have to adjust our sleeping patterns to theirs so it can get a little disorienting at times.  Treicy woke up early one Sunday Morning and had the girls out on an early morning stroll around the neighborhood when I woke up in a panic to an empty house.  I was about 10 seconds away from convincing myself that the Zombie Apocalypse had finally happened when Esteban came out of the bathroom with his I Pad  yawning.  "Don't go in there Daddy... Not if you want to live."
Sigh... On second thought, maybe a Zombie Apocalypse wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.

Captain's Log- 3:57 AM- Wednesday

I love the fact that Esteban is now able to remember and tell jokes.  He came home with this little beauty last week:
A man goes into a pet store and buys a parrot.  The parrot was on sale because the store owner said that he had a potty mouth.  The man said that it wouldn't be a problem and takes the parrot home.  The whole way home in the car the parrot is insulting the man.
"You're a poopy head... squawk!"
"Your breath smells like farts... Squawk!"
"You have a butt for a face... Squawk!"
The man calmly tells the parrot that one more insult and he will be punished when they get home.  The parrot thinks about this for a second and then says:
"Your head looks like a rotten cantaloup... Squawk!"
As soon as they get home the man throws the parrot into the freezer.  After 6 hours of freezing his feathers off the man lets the parrot out.
"Are you going to behave?" asked the man
"Absolutely."  replies the shivering parrot.  "But can I ask you a question?"
"Go ahead" says the man.
"What did the turkey do?"

I love that kid.

Episode 16- Famous First Words

Captain's Log-3:44AM- Sunday

It happened!  We've been anticipating it for a long time.  We've been planning for this day and even have a family bet about it... and it finally happened!  No... they are not sleeping through the night yet and no, they are not crawling or walking yet.  It's even better than that.  They can speak.  It happened last weekend when I walked into their room to see if everything was okay in the middle of the night.  They looked up at me and Catalina said: "You know that this torture is never going to end, right?  You know that we are going to make you crazy with worry and exhaustion for the rest of your life, right?"  I was shocked.  I was frozen in my place.  And then Rentata said with a chuckle: "You're such an amateur.  Just wait until we're teenagers.  You think you're tired now?  Just wait till we're out till all hours of the night and able to Uber ourselves anywhere, anytime.  That's when the fun will really start."
Sigh...
Ok.  So maybe I'm exaggerating a bit.  Maybe I'm projecting all of my fears for the future into this moment.  But they did speak, or at least... they said their first word.  Cat was first, as always, but Renata followed suit very quickly.  Interesting point here... As I've mentioned in past episodes, even though Renata is older by 30 seconds, she's been about 2 weeks behind Catalina on most developmental milestones up to now.  But there was only a couple of day's difference on this one.  Is this a sign?  Is Renata making her move?  Is she about to overtake her sister and take the lead for a while?  The possibilities are endless and only time will tell but I'm starting to get the feeling that these two will be battling it out like this for the rest of their lives.  Trying to out-do each other at every step and prove to each other who the dominant one is.  I'm only sure of one thing... the dominant one will not be me.
The family bet was simple.  I was betting that their first word would be "Papa" and Treicy was betting that their first word would be "Mama".  Esteban, on the other hand, was of the opinion that their first word was going to be "Worcestershire Sauce" (I love that kid.  He's so weird in the most wonderful way).  So there we were on a windy Saturday night last month.  We were in the middle of the 9PM feeding when Catalina looked up at her mother and said "Mamamamamamamama".
Treicy jumped to her feet...
"She said it!  She said Mama!" she screamed.
I couldn't resist...
"No.  She said Mamamamamamamamamamama"  I said with a chuckle.
I would like to pause for a moment and share a life lesson that I learned here.. I've been on the receiving end of dirty looks by women a few times in my life.  Most were warranted, so I consider myself a bit of an expert in this field.  And what I learned was this:  Never attempt to tease or joke with a woman when she is in full Mama Bear Mode.  It will not go well for you.  The look I received was straight out of the movie The Exorcist.  I mean, her head didn't spin around and she didn't throw up on me... but it was pretty damn close.  I quickly defused the situation by suggesting that we celebrate with some mango mimosas and before you knew it, we were laughing and sending messages to her family, sharing the big news.
Crisis averted.
Exactly 2 days later during a snuggle session on the sofa, Renata looked right at me and said "Papapapapapapapapapapapapapapapapa".
Treicy just looked at me and smiled.  This was huge.  We both knew exactly what this meant.
Exactly... more mimosas.

Captain's Log- 3:55 AM- Tuesday
Something really odd occurred to me the other night.  It's something I've lived with my entire life and never noticed until just recently.  I don't know the lyrics to any songs that are appropriate for children.  This particularly disturbing epiphany hit me last week when I attempted to softy sing Cat to sleep.  Many times I've watched and listened as Treicy sings to them as we try to rock them to sleep after a feeding.  She has a wide array of children's songs in Spanish that she learned growing up.  Songs about butterflies and rainbows and puffy clouds shaped like kittens.  The problem is that I'm a child of the 80's and my musical tastes have pretty much stayed there.  She is fully versed in all of the latest pop music in English and Spanish... I, on the other hand, only know the lyrics to 80's rap songs, Led Zeppelin music and the soundtrack from the musical Grease.  I literally sat there for 20 minutes the other night and tried to remember the lyrics to at least one song that would be appropriate:
Stairway to Heaven... too dark.
Billy Jean... too controversial.
Bruno Mars... stay away from my daughters.
I got so desperate that for a moment there I actually considered singing La Macarena to them.
I expressed my frustration to Treicy who just laughed and shook her head at me.
"They don't care what you sing to them... just as long as they hear your voice.  That's what calms them.  Not the song selection".
She was right.  As long as it's daddy that's belting out the tune... that's all that matters.  That evening as the family slept... there was a single light coming from the baby room as Renata took her midnight feeding.  And softly... melodically... drifting from the room came the calming sounds of Daddy lullabying his baby girl to sleep to the soothing sounds of Vanilla Ice.
"Ice Ice Baby... Ice Ice Baby... 
Alright stop... collaborate and listen... 
Ice is back with a brand new invention"...
It worked.  She was out like a light in under 2 minutes.  This is good.  I'm gonna hit em with with Sir-Mix-A-Lot tomorrow.

Episode 15- Miracles Do Happen!

Captain's Log- 3:57 AM- Monday
I can't feel the pinky toe on my left foot.  I don't know if this is something new or if it is something that I've always had and just never noticed.  Is that even possible, you ask?  Yes it is.  I'm discovering a whole slew of new aches and pains on parts of my body that I never knew could hurt.  For example:  Did you know that if a 7-month-old jams her finger into your ear at 3:07 in the morning one day and scratches you, it will take over a month to heal?  That's a true fact.  The inner-ear canal takes longer to heal because the skin is not as exposed and thus, is more delicate and less resistant to trauma.  I guess the silver lining to all of this physical damage that I've sustained over the last several months is that I've become a walking medical Wikipedia for all sorts of old man ailments.  Hooray for me.
But not all the news this week is bad.  Something amazing happened over the weekend that injected new life into me.  On Saturday evening, Treicy confused the babies and called them by the wrong name.  I don't remember if it was Renata or Catalina that she confused for her sister and quite frankly, I couldn't care less.  the point is that she got it wrong for the first time ever!  So the $60,000 question now becomes:  Now that my wife has confused them this one solitary time... does that automatically excuse my complete and total inability to tell them apart every single day?  The answer is: Absolutely and undoubtebly, yes!   I mean... Come on!  They are identical twins after all, and everybody outside of Mommy mistakes them for each other constantly.  I was feeling horrible because I was the only parental unit in their ecosystem that kept confusing them.  Treicy had never done that before and I felt that it was a sign that I was not up to this type of assignment... that I was somehow not smart enough to raise a pair of twin girls if I couldn't even tell them apart.  But now that Treicy has shown that she is human, it makes me human too by association.  This was a shocking and unexpected development.  This is Mike Tyson getting knocked out by Buster Douglas.  This is Bruce Jenner becoming Caitlyn Jenner.  This is the 2017 Presidential Election!  I can now truthfully state that we both, on occasion, have had trouble telling them apart... anything else is fake news.

Captain's Log- 3:03 AM- Wednesday
They woke up early and surprised us with a 2:30 AM feeding this morning.  Treicy went immediately back to sleep (I envy that skill) and I have settled myself into the living room couch in order to catch up on my Walking Dead episodes and to finish off the last box of Girl Scout Cookies left in the pantry.  It gives me an opportunity to share something that I've noticed from the girls recently.  They are normal babies in every sense of the word and they enjoy all of the stereotypical activities that all babies are associated with.  Peek-a-boo games, Giggly kisses, tickles on the tummy, etc.  All except for one thing... riding in the car.  My entire life, I've always heard how much babies  just loooove to be in a moving car because the vibration and the motion soothes them to sleep and calms them.  Well... not with these two.  As a matter of fact, they hate it.  They never go to sleep.  They're never calm.  Nothing is soothing about the ride and one of them (usually Renata) will more than likely have a meltdown halfway through the journey.  We've had to pull over and take them out of their car seats in order to calm them before being able to continue to our destination.  This does not bode well for any road trip plans that we might have this summer.  I can't imagine 4 hours in the car with 2 fussy babies.  Screw that, Mickey and Goofy can wait till they're 30 years old and can drive themselves.  Is it the restraints that bother them?  Is it the fact that they are staring at the back of the car and cannot see us?  Whatever it is, it makes me wonder if they will be rejecting any future stereotypes and doing the exact opposite like they have in this instance.  Will they hate cartoons?  Will they love vegetables?  Will they refuse to date until after I'm dead?  I guess at the end of the day, it doesn't matter.  We'll just take each new development and try to adapt to it as best we can like we did when Catalina went through her orange-colored pooping stage (it was the cold medecine).  One thing is for sure, they are unpredictable, full of surprises and I cannot wait to continue this journey that we are on with them... as long as we don't go by car.

Episode 14- King of The World

Captain's Log- 3:25 AM- Sunday
The pain in my inner-ear has migrated south to my spleen where I believe it will live forever as a constant reminder of how freakin' old I am.  My body continues to break down in different ways and I feel that my mind is next.  I'm showing early signs of serious short-term memory loss which reaps havoc every morning when I'm trying to find everything from my keys to my ass.  Last week I was halfway to work before I realized that I had forgotten my phone, my wallet... and was still wearing shorts and flip-flops.  I forgot that Esteban was with me last Saturday and almost left him behind at Home Depot.  This can't continue like this.  Treicy is certain that I will make a comeback once I can put together a couple of nights of decent sleep.  But I'm not so sure.  What if there is no coming back from this?  What if this is my new reality?  Exhausted... beaten down... disoriented.  What if this is all some sort of a horrible coincidence and the babies have nothing to do with the way my body feels right now?  What if this is the beginning of a horrible slide into old manhood that will eventually render me completely helpless and in need of 24 hour home-care?  Who's going to do that?  Treicy has changed enough diapers to last her a lifetime.  What if If they have to put me in a home?  Will I like the food?  Will I get along with the other elderly tenants?  Will they be nice to me... or will they judge me for being so weak-willed that I was beaten into a geriatric state by a pair of 15-pound poop machines?  They'll hate me.  They'll be jealous of me for being younger than them and for knowing how to use social media correctly.  God, I hate the politics in places like that!  You try to be nice to people but do they even notice?  DO THEY EVEN CARE?!!!!

Wait... I think I fell asleep for a second... what was I talking about?

Captain's Log- 3:11 AM- Wednesday
The girls celebrated their 7 month birthday with a bout of constipation followed by the inevitable volcanic-like eruption of lovely, toxic sludge.  I know I complain a lot in this forum... but being 100% honest, these overnight feedings are starting to become a little more manageable.  I think my body is starting to get used to the lack of sleep or something because I'm finding myself starting to actually enjoy the process.  It is such a unique one-on-one moment that you really can't get anywhere else.  They hold your hand while you feed them at night.  They're so sleepy and groggy that they just stare at you with faint little smiles on their faces.  And then when you burp them they snuggle up against your neck looking for warmth as they drift off to sleep (hopefully).  It's such an intimate moment that it's getting harder and harder to put a negative spin on it... no matter how sleepy I am the next day.  So the question is... Am I getting better at this... or have they completely broken me psychologically to the point that I am starting to enjoy the pain?  I Googled it, it's called The Stockholm Syndrome.  It's when the victim falls in love with his captor after being kidnapped and subjected to extended periods of sleep deprivation and brain washing.  Look it up... it's really a thing.
Whether it's for real or not, one thing is for sure... these girls are 100% in love with Daddy.  The myth about the daddy-daughter bond is true.  My friends with little girls all told me about it but I didn't really believe it until now.  Now don't get me wrong... they light up every time they see Mommy.  They go crazy, actually.  They start kicking and flailing their arms wildly and making all kinds of crazy baby noises.  But I'm not taking about that.  I'm talking about the fact that their eyes are always on me whenever I'm in the room.  Treicy will be changing them... and their eyes are on me.  Treicy will be feeding them... and their eyes are on me.  They watch me at all times of the day and during any and all situations.  They don't like it when I hold them facing away from me (like when they sit on my lap)... they prefer to be facing me.  They touch my nose, my mouth, play with my chin stubble... all while sporting the biggest, silliest grins on their faces.  They react positively to all members of the family... but it's different with Daddy.  It's horrible to admit... but I love it.  I never expected it and it makes me feel alive.  It makes me feel like I'm the prom king... the captain of the football team... the big man on campus... and a whole bunch of other things that I never managed to accomplish in real life.  Treicy and Esteban, naturally, have different theories as to why the girls are always staring at me.
The Real Reasons The Babies Stare at Daddy
3.)  They've never seen a head without hair before and it mesmerizes them like deer staring at headlights.
2.)  They can't believe I'm still standing and are waiting for me to collapse.
1.)  They like me only because I always smell of sour patch kids and tacos.
It doesn't matter.  The haters can say whatever they want.  Because at the end of the day... As far as my girls are concerned... I'm Leonardo DiCaprio in the movie Titanic, baby.  I'm the king of the world.

Episode 13- Girl's Club

Captain's Log- 3:11 AM- Friday

A frightening thought occurred to me the other night. The estrogen count in this house is now, considerably larger than the testosterone level.  Not that there's anything wrong with that... It's just that I was always under the silly assumption that Treicy was destined to be surrounded by men her entire life.  She was raised in a very male-driven world full of machines, tools and machismo which is why she knows how to ride motorcycles and install ceiling fans.  I, on the other hand, was raised in a family full of angry old women.  My world was comprised of bitter old maids and lonely spinsters.  Which is why I know how to play Mahjong and make a fabulous jalapeño bean dip.
I don't know why I assumed that we would have all boys.  Maybe because I assumed it when we were waiting for Esteban and it happened... maybe it's because I never pictured Treicy with girls.  She is so good with Esteban because she's a bit of  a tomboy and doesn't mind getting her hands dirty from time to time.  I've seen her digging sand castles, making mud pies, engaging in water gun fights and even some pretty vicious, no holds barred, pillow fights.  She's the perfect mommy for a family full of little boys... but with 2 girls?  I never imagined it.  Seeing her now with the girls, it all makes perfect sense.  She loves to dress them in ribbons and bows (as you can see from the photo above) and she spends hours combing out their hair and applying oils and conditioners to their little tiny curls.  She dotes on them continuously and I can see it continuing for the rest of their lives.  She's an amazing cook and has always included Esteban in any and all pastry adventures that usually include Chocolate, Nutella or Dulce de Leche.  I can only imagine what the baking future holds for this family once the girls are able to hold a wooden spoon.  I guess the person that I really never imagined with little girls is me.
I'm not a natural at this parenting thing... and when you add that extra voodoo magic that a little girl brings into your life... it just kicks my tired, old ass even more (never marry a younger woman... they outlive you by having way too much energy for you and then they remarry a younger, better version of you and piss you off forever in the afterlife).  As the girls continue to grow and develop their personalities I am starting to see how badly this is going to go for me.  I have no clue what makes a little girl happy or mad.  Am I supposed to rough-house with them when they're toddlers like I used to with Esteban?  Am I supposed to learn how to comb and style their hair and apply all of their lotions?  Really?  And what happens when they have to go to the bathroom when we're out in public?  Do I take them into the Men's room?  I'm not legally allowed in the Ladies bathroom am I?  There must be some sort of handbook or something that I can review because if left to my own devices, I will end up making a mistake.  I can see the headlines already:  LOCAL MAN ARRESTED IN WOMEN'S BATHROOM AT CHUCK E CHEESE WHILE ATTEMPTING TO APPLY HYDRATING ALOE-BASED SKIN LOTION TO TWO SCREAMING BABIES.
That settles it... I'm not leaving the house alone with these two until they're, at least, 17.

Captain's Log- 3:56 AM- Sunday
I envy their relationship.  They've only known each other for 6 months and they are already inseparable.  They genuinely love being in each other's company.  It's amazing watching a life-long relationship blossom before your very eyes.  They already have something so special and unique that even the relationship that they will have with Treicy and I cannot compare.  If one of them is fussy, all you have to do is place them together and everybody calms down.  They love it.  They smile when they see each other... they hold hands... they pull each other's hair... they spit up on each other.  It's awesome!  I'm sure the future will bring jealousies, rivalries and arguments but the bond is already there.  It's real and it's formidable.  My real problems will come if these two ever team up and attempt some sort of political coup and take over the house.   I know for a fact that I will succumb to their evil plans quickly and become their prisoner and be subjected to all sorts of psychological torture and avocado face masks.  They're both sweet and loving babies and I'm certain that they will be be kind,   respectful children and adults.  But in the remote chance that they're not... I only have one simple request for my girls:  Ladies... I don't care if you want to set the world on fire and be mean to every single person you meet.  Just don't be mean to Daddy.  He's very fragile and these stupid 3AM feedings alone should earn me Switzerland-style neutrality for the rest of my life.

Episode 12- The Witching Hour

Captain's Log- 3:33 AM- Sunday
I have a throbbing pain in my lower back that is making me walk like my 70-year-old grandfather used to after one of his 14-hour shifts as a waiter (true fact).  I mention my late grandfather now because an amazing thing occurred to me the other night during Renata's 9PM feeding.  I don't remember ever seeing my Guelito Polo sleep.  I'm serious.  I have not one single memory of him with his eyes closed.  Not once did the adults have to shush us kids for making too much noise because Abuelo was asleep... Not once did I ever wake up before him or go to bed after him... As a matter of fact, I don't even think that I ever saw him lying down.  What was his secret?  My maternal grandparents had 5 kids, so maybe he stumbled across some sort of magic potion that eliminated the need for sleep in his body.  My Abuela Nico was into herbs and powders as a cures for everything from acne to anal warts so maybe she cooked up a little magic for her old man.  I clearly remember my grandmother taking daily mid-afternoon naps in the living room in a Lazy Boy chair while watching one of her "animal shows"... But not him.  Not once, not ever.
I need me some of that mojo.  The girl's sleeping pattern has changed for the better... but not in the way I was hoping for.  They have begun skipping their 12AM feedings.  They just sleep right through it now.  That means that they are now giving us a 6-hour break every night, which is amazing and great... but that 6-hour stretch goes from 9PM to 3AM... and I guess I really wish that it was from 12AM to 6AM.  I know what you're thinking... beggars can't be choosers.  But I really need to get rid of that 3AM feeding.   The 3AM is the one that gets me every time.  I said it back in episode 1 and it rings just as true today... The 3AM is no joke.  It'll make you or break you.  It is the truth and it'll get you every time.  The girl's pediatrician (also a mother of twins) keeps telling us that we just have to hold on till they reach 9 months.  Apparently that's when everything changes and they start making the switch from babies to toddlers.  And a part of that change includes sleeping through the night.  I don't know if I'll be able to make 3 more months of this but I do know that my grandfather would be laughing at me and my suffering.  Little Nancy Boy can't function because he has to get up at 3AM every morning?  Boo hoo.  I need to get a hold of my Tia Chelo and find out if she knows what was in that magic potion that my grandmother used to make... I will continue my steady diet of Red Bulls until then.

Captain's Log- 3:25 AM- Tuesday
There will be no sleeping tonight for Catalina (or me).  She has a stuffy nose and it keeps her from using a pacifier in her mouth because she can't breathe... but that's the only way she can get to sleep.... making a long story short, we are in the living room watching a "Chopped" marathon on TV.  At least I am.  She is currently dozing on the sofa next to me, but it won't last.  She'll wake up soon and start crying and fussing because she can't breathe through her nose like she wants to. It gives me just enough time to tell you a quick, funny story about Esteban.
We were having dinner the other night and he asked why he didn't have to go to school the next day.
"It's because of a Jewish holiday" I said.
"What's that?" he asked.
"It's when we respect and observe the beliefs of the Jews."
"I love Jews" he said.
I was in shock by what he had just said.  It came out of nowhere.  I was so proud.  How could an 8 year old child be so open and accepting of a faith that he knows so little about.  Esteban went to church many times with his Abuela Angie and he's been to a couple of catholic masses with my family but he's never been to a Jewish service.  For him to say that he loved Jews meant that he was open and accepting of all people.  My heart was bursting with pride.  My head was spinning.  A tear was about roll out of my left eye... And then he said...
"My favorite is apple... but I like grape too."
Juice... he was talking about juice.
Sigh... Daddy needs a nap.