Episode 1- Baby Zombies and Infomercials

Captain's Log:  3:08 AM

Twelve... Three... Six... Nine.
Twelve... Three... Six... Nine.
Twelve... Three... Six... Nine.
Twelve... Three... Six... Nine.
Twelve... Three... Six... Nine.

Their names are Renata (left) and Catalina (right) and that is their feeding schedule.  Every day.  Every... single... day.  This includes weekends, holidays, leap years, sick days, vacation days, comp days and Arbor Day.   No matter what the circumstances or the situation... Every 3 hours, these baby zombies need to feed.

Each feeding is unique in it's own way.  The day shift (9AM, Noon, 3PM) is pretty standard stuff.  They're in and out of naps throughout and when they're awake they are relatively calm except during the afternoon poop tsunami which usually rolls in after lunch.  The 6PM is a tricky one because the house is at it's loudest and busiest.  Everybody is home and trying to eat dinner and do homework which is when they will usually organize all sorts of diversionary tactics (spitting up all over their PJs... refusing to eat... etc.) that are designed to throw a wrench into our evening schedule.  The 9PM is good if you play it right.  The trick is to keep them awake from 6-9 PM so that they are ready to sleep immediately after their 9 o'clock bottle.  The midnight feeding is, by far, my favorite.  By midnight they are deep in REM sleep, already tired and groggy and usually go right back down after they finish their bottle.  The 6AM is, also, not so bad because it's close to the time that we get up anyway.  It's the start of a new day.  The sun is up, people are outside jogging or going to work.  It's like a fresh start.  But the 3AM.... is a whole different animal.

The 3AM is when you are at your most vulnerable.  I'm so tired right now that I can't keep my thoughts straight.  I can't remember the access code that unlocks my phone but that's okay because I also can't remember where my phone is so it all evens out.  All I want to do right now is to go back to bed and I'll do anything... or say anything in order to make that happen.  Last week I actually offered them Esteban"s Halloween candy if they agreed to go back to sleep.  I, of course, failed to factor in that they have no teeth nor are they able to digest processed sugars but it was worth a shot.   3AM is tough because they've already been asleep for 6-7 hours.  It's a 50-50 shot that they don't go back to sleep afterwards.  They will probably want to stay up for a while.  Not too long.  Just like 45 minutes or so... just long enough for you to lose your window of opportunity for going back to sleep.  Just long enough to crush your soul.   The 3AM is the  ultimate truth.  It is just and swift with punishment for the weak.   The 3AM smells fear and self-doubt (two of my biggest traits).  The 3AM separates the pretenders from the contenders.  You think you make a good parent?  Don't show me how good you are at 3PM... show me your stuff in the dead of night when it feels like no one else on the planet is awake except for you and 2 fussy babies.  When there's nothing on TV except for that infomercial where that guy cuts a boat in half and then puts it back together with that waterproof tape.  The 3AM is the stuff that legends are made of.  The 3 AM is no joke... The 3AM is for real.

Unlike my wife, I have zero experience with 6-week-old humans.  Her maternal instincts have been on maximum overload ever since she was a pre-teen and helping to raise her younger brothers and cousins back in Puerto Rico.   She's a natural.  Watching her with the babies is beautiful and pure.  It's like watching a professional golfer warm up.  They make it look so easy and smooth until you actually pick up a club and try to swing it yourself and realize how incredibly hard it is to do correctly.   It never even occurred to me go near a baby when I was growing up; I was too busy getting beat up by my older cousins.  But I am confident in my abilities to adapt and overcome any situation.  Just think of me as a Navy SEAL minus the courage and the physical fitness.  This journey is just beginning and I am confident that I will achieve victory... and if not, I'll just use my secret weapon.  I will guilt my wife into nursing both of them while I pretend to be sick and do crossword puzzles in the bathroom.  Hey... I don't make the rules about maternal instincts... I just exploit them to the fullest.  Sweet dreams.