I think the girls are conspiring against me. Treicy says that I'm hallucinating from sleep deprivation or maybe dreaming it but I swear I hear them whispering to each other at night through the baby monitors. I lie there, pretending to be asleep and listen to them as they plan and scheme different ways to torture me. "And what do they say to each other?" asked the wife one day with a roll of the eyes. "I don't know" I said. "They're very sneaky. They speak to each other only in French so that I can"t understand them." She just stared at me for a while and then slowly walked away shaking her head while re-evaluating her life decisions. I don't care what anybody says... I hear them whispering. How can I have the same dream every night? They're mocking me. They know their mother will never break... but me? They are on to me. They know I'm the weak link in this organization. They calculate the exact moment that I will be in the bathroom so that they can attack. They are cunning... they are savvy... they are ruthless. Treicy says everything will get better once I catch up on my sleep. She might be right... but I've already registered for some online French lessons just to be safe. Au Revoir!
I'm so tired that I can't feel my ears. I think I'm sleeping wrong. I've reached the stage where I am now physically hurting myself while I sleep. How is that even possible? I need to keep it together. I know what's really upsetting me. It isn't my ears. It's that the girls know my secret. Every family has skeletons in the closet... those dark family secrets that they don't want anyone from the outside world to know about Well... they know mine. And here it is: They are not identical twins... and yet, for the life of me, I cannot tell them apart. It's been more than 3 months and I am even more confused now than when I first got them. My list of transgressions includes, but is not limited to:
1) Last week I fed Renata twice thinking she was her sister the second time around and made her sick to her stomach while her sister went hungry. I couldn't figure out why both of them were crying.
2) Last month, I introduced Catalina as Renata for the entirety of their baby shower to all of our friends.
3) I mistakenly gave Catalina medicine when Renata had a cold and then wondered why Renata wasn't getting better and why Catalina was so groggy.
The list goes on and on. Their mother has never confused them. Not once, not ever. But I am at a constant loss. The way I tell them apart now is that Catalina has a small shaved patch on her forehead from the IV that they had in her while she was in the hospital (they couldn't find a good enough vein in her arm). I always check the forehead of the baby I'm holding just to make sure who it is. While I understand that this is a temporary solution, I am currently contemplating the idea of continuing to shave Catalina's forehead until she turns 27.
Last night I witnessed something during the 3 AM feeding that I still have not been able to process in my mind. Renata was on the changing table getting a fresh diaper from her mother when I stumbled into the room with the 2 bottles of formula for their feeding. I was disoriented, confused and limping as I had just managed to step on all 487 of Esteban's Lego pieces with my bare feet as I made my way to the kitchen in the dark. I was about to wake up Catalina when a noise came out of Renata that I had never heard before. It sounded like the combination of a dragon growling followed by a vintage 1963 Volkswagen Bus backfiring. When I turned around, I saw that she had just shot projectile poop 4 feet across the room and against the wall. Treicy had a look of shock on her face that reminded me of the scene from the movie Alien when the outer space creature pops out of that guy's chest during dinner. We just sort of looked at each other in silence for a while before breaking out in hysterical laughter. Just between us... I may have been laughing on the outside, but I was crying on the inside. That was the scariest shit I have ever seen (pun intended).
Jerry
ReplyDeleteI don't think I have laughed this hard in awhile! I really I'm not laughing at you but I Wish I could have been there to see the look while the poop splattered on the wall ��