My brain is slowly swelling inside my head. I swear I can hear it. Is that even physically possible? I'll bet it is because I can hear it rubbing up against the inside of my skull as it grows... inflates... and then will eventually ooze out my ears. Why all the head trauma drama? There was an incident last night. .. well, more of an accident really. It happened when the girls woke us up for the midnight feeding. I smashed my face and forehead against Catalina's crib while trying to retrieve a wayward pacifier that she lost during the 9 o'clock. Actually... "lost" is not the correct word. What she did was spit that thing out and send it flying across the room with alarming velocity during a sudden hiccup attack. I'm serious... that thing became a dangerous flying projectile that bounced off of 3 walls before landing, like it usually does, in the most inconvenient place in the room possible... under the crib. While this might make for an interesting anecdote, it brings up an issue that has me very concerned lately. Apparently, both of these girls posses a weird sort of mutant baby strength that they use in order to inflict copious amounts of pain in a variety of different ways. Is this normal? Has this happened to anybody else out there? Is this like... really a thing? Because if it is then I'm going to need to speak to someone in authority. Because it is bad enough to be outnumbered in your own home by your children, but when 2 of the 3 children in your house have super-human strength... that's just not fair. I believe it was Peter Parker, aka Spiderman's Uncle Ben that said it best when he said: "With great power comes great responsibility." And that's exactly the problem. These girls don't always use their powers for fighting evil... they also use them to beat up Mommy and Daddy. For example: they are both prone to grabbing fistfulls of Treicy's hair and putting a death grip on it until we are forced to call in the fire department so they can bring over the Jaws of Life. They also have razor-sharp finger nails that they use with ninja-like precision in order to hit key pressure points on my arms, neck and face. Whenever people ask me about the scratches that I have all over me I tell them that I raise ferrel cats as a hobby. Renata is also prone to throwing sudden and devastating head butts during the burping ritual. She smashed me in the right temple so hard last week that I think I went color blind for 17 minutes... although this last fact is hard to confirm for sure since I was in a completely dark room when it happened and I had my eyes closed in agony the entire time. All in all, this experience with the twins has reminded me a lot of my high school days. I'm in love with the most popular girls in school who only use me in order to get what they want and I'm getting my ass kicked about once a week. Ahhh to be young again!
I never liked holidays as a kid. I know it's a weird thing to admit to but I'm so exhausted at this moment that I do not have the energy to lie to you, believe me. And as long as I'm coming clean... I also do not like chocolate, The Game of Thrones TV Series, Coffee, The Harry Potter Books, Surprise Birthday Parties, Blueberries, The Blue Man Group, Porcelain Dolls, Sour Cream or Sofia Vergara. My point is that my likes and dislikes are extremely random. I dislike without reason or prejudice. And for some reason I've always felt awkward during holidays, even as a kid. I grew up in a big family with a lot of cousins running all over the place and holidays were a huge deal where everyone got together and celebrated en mass. Normally, this would be the setting for a wonderful Norman Rockwell-style holiday experience. But something always seemed to go wrong...
My Top 3 Worst Holiday Experiences:
1) Halloween 1979- I was so excited to go trick or treating that I did not "prepare" properly before heading out into a long night without access to a bathroom. Long story, short... I crapped all over myself and my brand new Star Wars costume inspiring my cousins to refer to me exclusively as "Poop Skywalker" for the next 3 years.
2) Easter Sunday 1982- A lake-side cookout goes terribly wrong when one of my uncles arrives with 20 blue-dyed baby chicks in a crate as a wonderful Easter surprise for all of the cousins in the family and then sets them free. Oh, the joy! Another surprise that day was the fact that my grandmother's dog "Diablo" was also at the party and laid waste to the entire flock in a matter of seconds as all of the cousins screamed in horror. We were picking little blue feathers out of our hair for two days.
3) Christmas 1984- My uncles have a little too much egg nog on Christmas Eve and decide to pull the hilarious prank of wrapping the entire Christmas tree in toilet paper. as a surprise for everybody. Problem: This was before safety temperature-controlled Christmas lights were invented and the hot bulbs caught the toilet paper on fire... which, in turn, caught the Christmas tree on fire... which, in turn, caught the presents on fire. Merry Christmas Kids! Enjoy your melted Trivial Pursuit Game!
All of those warm family memories aside... the shoe is on the other foot now. It is up to Treicy and I, as parents, to create, produce and deliver memorable holiday moments for our 3 children. Esteban is a grizzled veteran of holidays by now and he loves them all, but this is all new to the twins. Up to this point, the girls have experienced Memorial Day, Columbus Day, Halloween and the Thanksgiving holidays with us. And I am happy to report that there have been no reported incidents involving poultry massacres, Jedi bowel movements or Pine Tree Bon Fires. I realize that its a strange thing to be proud of... but as beat up as I'm feeling right now... I'll take whatever I can get.
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